I know you don’t want to hurt me. And I know you think that distancing yourself slightly will prevent that. But you’re wrong.
I need you so much. Not just need you in my life or need you to be there for me. I physically need you around. You make me a better person. You make me so happy that I forget all the bad in my world and just fall into laughter whenever you’re near me.
I’ve daydreamed about you bringing me home to your family for the first time. About having dinner at your house like I’ve known you all for years. I’ve daydreamed about our wedding. About our kids. I’ve daydreamed that you preposed to me on graduation day in front of everyone. There was a large part of me that wished for that to happen. That held my breath when you went to go and get your diploma.
I should have run to you when I had the chance, and I know that I hurt you badly. That I will never be able to make it up to you. That’s why I still buy you fruit and nut yorkies. Because I want to remind you that the Sydney that used to do that for you when we were at school is still here.
I am in awe of your strength. At graduation, you said to me “You were the best thing that happened to me at this place.” After everything I did to you. The hurt I put you through. Having to listen to me cry down the phone for days on end. For looking past the fact that you could have had anyone you wanted. And yet you wanted me.
We had such an amazing time tonight and when we hugged in the train station, I just wanted to reach up and kiss you. You looked perfect. You ARE perfect. And I DID see that at the time. I think part of the reason that I chose the safe option before was because I thought I would spoil you. That I would ruin your perfectness. That my broken self would dim the shining light that pours out of you.
I feel like I’m always hurting about something. Someone that’s let me down or family. And even when you make me forget those things, I’m hurting that I can’t be yours. I’ve just said goodbye to you on the train after a perfect evening and I’m sat here hurting because you’ve gone. And now I have to remember the broken world I’m going back to.
That’s what you do to me. For me. So if you think distancing yourself is the right thing to do, think again. I love you. I need you.